12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
