my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Enjoy the penises
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
