OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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