I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
