Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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