Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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