dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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