it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
