So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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