goodnight i made you a song goodbye
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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