im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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