I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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