He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
