Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
