the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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