I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
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Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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