Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
