You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
