I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
