one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
