Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
50% drunk capacity currently
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
