Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
