I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i came on her dog
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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