They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
