This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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