I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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