I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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