come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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