You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
