Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
