im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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