I wish I could teleport
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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