Will you blow on my dice?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
