my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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