I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
