I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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