just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
