My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
