I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
