The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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