I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
