My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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