Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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