I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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