We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
