I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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