i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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