i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
