I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
