I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
