Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
