mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
