Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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