You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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