i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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