So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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