I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
