And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
