I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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